- BTC (Bitcoin)
- $102500.84: ⭐⭐
- Bitcoin, the supposed digital gold, is down. JPOW’s holiday special had everyone screaming ‘sell!’ I’m starting to think this whole ‘store of value’ thing is a myth. Someone get me a beer and a time machine back to 2010, hold the beer.
- ETH (Ethereum)
- $3712.91: ⭐⭐⭐
- Ethereum, the king of altcoins, is also down because everything follows Bitcoin. I am starting to think that this is a pyramid scheme where Bitcoin is at the top and drags everything else down. Any minute now, someone is going to pull the rug, and the whole thing is going to collapse.
- MNT (Mantle)
- $1.23: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
- MNT had a 3% pump. This makes me slightly less pessimistic. Maybe I can afford some ramen after all.
- DOGE (Dogecoin)
- $0.37: ⭐
- Dogecoin, the meme coin that refuses to die, is down, but who cares? It’s Dogecoin. Elon, if you’re reading this, please tweet something to pump this dumpster fire. My portfolio needs a miracle, or at least a chuckle.
- XRP (XRP)
- $2.42: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
- XRP, the coin with more legal drama than a Kardashian Christmas party, is only down 4%. It’s basically the cockroach of crypto—it’ll probably survive the apocalypse.
JPOW went full Grinch, stealing Christmas gains faster than you can say ‘margin call.’ Millions of portfolios went up in smoke today—RIP. Even my Pokémon portfolio is doing better. This market is a clown show. Should have bought calls on $ROPE. Meanwhile, Amazon’s ‘return to office’ plan is delayed—they leased too many dumpsters and forgot to find new ones. Return to work? More like return to the office ransom. Might as well offer handies behind Wendy’s to recover my losses, just like some Reddit geniuses suggested.
| Logo | 30D Change | 24H Change | Circulating | Price $ | Diluted Cap $ | Cap # | Symbol | Name | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 0 |  |
 |
+3% | 54% | 1.23 | 7.65B | 36 | MNT | Mantle |
| 1 |  |
 |
88% | 1749.56 | 1.76B | 69 | MKR | Maker | |
| 2 |  |
 |
1 | 42.4B | 8 | USDC | USDC | ||
| 3 |  |
 |
1 | 5.36B | 29 | DAI | Dai | ||
| 4 |  |
 |
1 | 143B | 3 | USDT | Tether USDt | ||
| 5 |  |
 |
1 | 68.3M | 580 | BUSD | BUSD | ||
| 6 |  |
 |
1 | 496M | 157 | TUSD | TrueUSD | ||
| 7 |  |
 |
-1% | 0.3 | 14.9B | 10309 | WHBAR | Wrapped HBAR | |
| 8 |  |
 |
-1% | 76% | 0.3 | 14.9B | 18 | HBAR | Hedera |
| 9 |  |
 |
-1% | 94% | 102501 | 2.15T | 1 | BTC | Bitcoin |
| 10 |  |
 |
-1% | 702.77 | 101B | 5 | BNB | BNB | |
| 11 |  |
 |
-1% | 0.18 | 5.54B | 31 | CRO | Cronos | |
| 12 |  |
 |
-2% | 102240 | 6.68B | 10235 | BTCB | Bitcoin BEP2 | |
| 13 |  |
 |
-2% | 101874 | 13.7B | 10231 | WBTC | Wrapped Bitcoin | |
| 14 |  |
 |
-2% | 12.47 | 14.1B | 25 | APT | Aptos | |
| 15 |  |
 |
-2% | 0.27 | 22.9B | 10 | TRX | TRON | |
| 16 |  |
 |
-2% | 0.27 | 23.2B | 10229 | WTRX | Wrapped TRON | |
| 17 |  |
 |
-2% | 210.84 | 124B | 6 | SOL | Solana | |
| 18 |  |
 |
-4% | 93% | 0.05 | 4.53B | 34 | VET | VeChain |
| 19 |  |
 |
-4% | 3712.91 | 447B | 2 | ETH | Ethereum | |
| 20 |  |
 |
-4% | 210.19 | 3.88B | 37 | XMR | Monero | |
| 21 |  |
 |
-4% | 3697.76 | 36.2B | 10228 | stETH | Lido Staked ETH | |
| 22 |  |
 |
-4% | 57% | 2.42 | 242B | 4 | XRP | XRP |
| 23 |  |
 |
-5% | 78% | 0.99 | 44.4B | 9 | ADA | Cardano |
| 24 |  |
 |
-5% | 81% | 117.39 | 1.75B | 79 | QNT | Quant |
| 25 |  |
 |
-5% | 60% | 0.41 | 20.7B | 16 | XLM | Stellar |
| 26 |  |
 |
-5% | 11.32 | 5.97B | 28 | ICP | Internet Computer | |
| 27 |  |
 |
-5% | 0.37 | 54B | 7 | DOGE | Dogecoin | |
| 28 |  |
 |
-5% | 0.53 | 5.26B | 104 | MATIC | Polygon |
The crypto market is like a bad Tinder date – full of red flags, disappointments, and the urge to ghost. So, buckle up, buttercup, because this rollercoaster is just getting started. I’m starting to think my grandma’s Beanie Baby collection was a better investment. Or that time I bought a pet rock. Definitely the pet rock. At least it didn’t lose 50% of its value in an hour.